maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
