There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
