I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
