I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
