How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
