I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
