Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
