R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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