I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
