butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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