theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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