1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Soap is not a condiment
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Randomize