hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
