Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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