Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You smell like stripper and shame
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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