Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
