I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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