There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
