I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
