I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
