Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
