Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
