Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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