This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
