I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
