You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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