i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
