I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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