I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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