It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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