I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
