Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
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i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
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That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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