Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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