Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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