I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
