there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
