thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the day after is always just damage control
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
