I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
