I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
