If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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