You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize