I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
