Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
