Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
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after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
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But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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