Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
zippers are such a cool invention
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
