We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
