escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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