You can't motorboat a personality
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
