I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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