I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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