I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
God, I missed his penis.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
