My room smells like vodka and shame
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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