I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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