I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
