Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
