Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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