I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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