can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
